My journey started as an unpaid medical officer at BSMMU’s Anesthesia Analgesia and Intensive Care Unit in January 2007, with the dream of stepping into the sensitive world of Intensive Care Unit. There I was acquainted with Professor Hi Sir through work. He often told me that “You should work in palliative care with Nezam Bhai.” I would nod my head without realizing anything. Palliative care was completely unknown to me then. 

Meanwhile, in October I was put on duty in the palliative care unit. I was surprised on the first day. Frustrated! A unit without patients! That happens too? Only Nezam Sir and me. Meantime, to cause extra trouble, sir was taking my lessons every few minutes. I started to get afraid of sir. The unit room no. 223; And Sir’s room number was 36. This is the story of the time when the outpatient department of PG Hospital was an old tin-shaded facility. In fact, Room No. 36 was allotted for palliative care from the Cardiology Department.

Later one day, the much awaited patient came. I saw the first patient in Sir’s chamber, who was admitted to the HDU upon Sir’s request – to the then Chairman of the Anesthesia Department, Shafiqur Rahman Sir – because there was no inter-department or indoor facility to admit patients in palliative care. No shield, no sword – Nidhiram Sardar’s Department. Next day, I heard that the patient had died. I couldn’t understand anything. Started having tangled-up thoughts in my head – why did the patient get admitted, why did they die, what did we do or not do? Questioning what could have been done etc, I became mentally distressed.

Few days later, another patient came in with a swollen face – had superior vena cava obstruction with lung cancer. I still remember, he looked at me and said “Can people live with this swelling?”.

What reply should I give? What language should I speak in? What do I have to say? A while later the patient eagerly asked, “Won’t you admit me?” I still vividly remember that look on the patient’s face – but we were the department of Nidhiram Sardar. The inter-department section was not operational. Being compelled, Nezam Sir admitted the patient to his friend’s clinic, Professor Ahmed Sayeed Sir. The words still ring in my ears – before leaving Sir’s room then, that life-limiting illness afflicted person wistfully only wanted for Sir to go see them and not abandon them. I heard later in the follow-up that the patient had never seen Sir again. Yet, Sir was in that clinic at the time. He was supposed to go see the patient after tea. I felt a sudden shock in my chest that I had felt many times before. Slowly, this is how I embarked on a career in Palliative Care.

The hardships of patients made me very anxious psychologically. Not only anxious as a human being for others but this constantly reminded me of my father. He died of leiomyosarcoma in 2005. The memories of my father’s sufferings would somehow merge together with the hardships of patients. I learned that my father needed palliative care. I did not fully understand the meaning of the word then.

Slowly days went by. As the inter-department section of palliative care opened in 2009, we noticed that along with physical treatment of patients, there is a special need for medicine, food, etc. Doctors-nurses working in palliative care began providing help individually along with emotional assistance. But for how long? Again, the needs of the patients were different. So afterwards, we all decided to stop helping patients individually and start supporting patients as a team. “Palliative Care Society of Bangladesh” originated from this thought. Today we are like one family. Thanks to The Almighty because due to His will I followed this path in this Department. I didn’t start working on my own here. A long time ago, a colleague said, “All your patients die. You seem to have turned to stone.” Is that really so? Feelings have many layers like onion peelings.

The sentiments I felt as the hardships of patients and their families lessened or how much there is to do in doing nothing, if I had not worked in palliative care, this vast world of medical, physical, mental, social and spiritual work-area would have remained undiscovered to me. Just as said by Rabindranath Tagore, ‘there is sorrow, there is death, there is separation / yet peace, yet joy, yet eternity awake’. Today, respectfully to all I say “those who have not entered the everlasting world in the midst of this newness of the palliative will never understand the joys and sorrows of that unseen world like that of my colleague.” Perhaps this statement applies here, ” I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle and end “–Gilda Radner. 

This is the reason being surrounded by death has no chance of turning me into stone. I started walking this path in 2007, it is only in my death that my grave becomes the final destination of this path.

Finally, I am forever grateful to the living legend Professor Nizamuddin Ahmed Sir, who did not hesitate to start working with an honorary medical officer.